"Alla andra dagar ska vi det inte."

When I was in Santa Barbara during the holidays, I sat with some of my favorite people, cozied up on their couch, exchanging the life updates that aren't easily shared via facebook. There are a few common questions that I get a lot when I go back to the States... including, "Are you staying there forever?" and "Do you miss California?" and "Aren't you dating anyone?" Those questions I've come to expect and am used to answering.

But Darren gave me a new one. He said, "So, Corinne, I want to know this: what surprises you still about Sweden? About the country or your life there?"

I thought for a minute, delighted by the challenge of an unexpected question that I wanted to do justice to. I reviewed the last few months... there had been intense challenges and often confusion but surprise?... what really surprises me anymore? I realized that the answer was actually very basic. It wasn't very enlightening. It was simply this:

"I think that it still surprises me that, again and again, so many people I meet here just absolutely delight me.  It's hard to believe how common and strong it is, but wherever I go, be it an alumni dinner, a new office, a work party, a gathering of friends of friends, or something else, I'll end the evening having been greatly entertained and found another or a few more kindred spirits. Like 'I can't believe that the strangers placed to both sides of me and across from me at that dinner were all so fantastic that I didn't want to at some point escape the conversation.' Things end up that way for me nearly all the time in Sweden. Plus, the friends I already have here just keep getting better and better."

And nothing that keeps me here is more powerful than that. It's the only way I can manage to live so far away from those people on that couch and the many many more that I love that are all around the west coast of the States.

*****************************************************

I feel like it's time for a small update on what my Swedish life looks like right now. Those aren't as common as they used to be in my first year or so of living here, when everything was new and there were student traditions to share and holidays to finally be experienced and things to explain about what the heck I was up to here. 

Things are really great. Really fun and also peaceful and consistent. A true answer that I've been giving people lately about how I'm doing is that I've almost never been better; heart, body and mind. It makes me so happy to say that.

Work is great and getting busy. My colleagues are awesome. Since the beginning of the year, I live in a charming apartment with my Canadian friend, Allie, in a bustling, young and fun area of town. Our street is full of vintage shops and a gorgeous old church sits just a half block away; you can hear the bells ringing beautifully during the weekend days. I'm running a 10k race with a couple of friends at the end of March, so we go to the gym that's just two blocks away from me pretty often these days. Lots of friends live near me and I love that I can walk to and from them, or to and from anywhere really, if I ever allowed myself enough time to get places, which I often don't. The water around these Stockholm islands is largely frozen, and you can go out and walk about on the ice. It thrills me to do that. There's an ice skating rink just a couple blocks away from me that I often walk past and you'll see couples skating around together or parents playing some casual hockey with their kids, using shoes as goals. Sure it's cold and we're a little weary of winter here. But it's often very picturesque and the days are so much lighter now, and I really am not tired of snow yet.

This past weekend was a fantastic one. Friday was normal, as I finished the work day with a beer with my colleagues at our office, and then went on to meet friends at a new fun place downtown. We sipped beers and had slices of prosciutto and fig pizza, and went home around midnight. Allie and a friend were home having wine and I made some popcorn and we hung out til they went out. Saturday morning I went to a photographer to get some photos taken for my job, then for a run at the gym, and then met Linn and shared a huge coffee on our way to a progressive apartment party. Several of our friends live in the same neighborhood, intentionally, and they threw a party that started at 4 pm, moving from one apartment to the next, each one with a different theme. We drank mojitos and wine and waved glow bracelets and danced around and tried to keep track of our own pair of black boots among 40 other pairs taken off at each doorway. I made a snow angel in between apartments at one point. Sometime around 2:30 am the last of us left at the party tumbled out into the street, with all intention to go to a club or something and continue the fun, but collectively realizing a few minutes later that it had been a long night already, and though we are all quite the party champions, we were also pretty tired. Linn and I rode the bus away from Södermalm together, debriefed a bit, and then parted ways and as I continued on home I couldn't wipe off the happy smile from my face. Allie and her friend were back from their night out and still up when I got home, and we all shared stories of our evening before we went to sleep.

Sunday held a brunch and a walk around the water. It was sunny and gorgeous. One of the previous evening's party hosts, and one of my favorite Swedes, called me up to see how I was doing and debrief. We laughed about our antics and our friends' antics and got excited for antics to come. We talked about how great our friends are and how important it is to be intentional about who you spend your time with.  Finding those kindred spirits and hanging on to them, and such.

When we hung up, I took a dozen photos of the sun setting over the silhouette of Stockholm. When I got home, Allie was baking with a friend. For dinner we made the Kraft Macaroni and Cheese that she brought back from Canada, and then had some of her homemade peach pie.

It was a really good Sunday, a really good weekend. It's a really good year so far.

 This print is for sale at a little shop across the street from my place. I love it. 

"One day we will all die."

"All the other days we will not."

Stockholm, looking towards the west, at sunset yesterday. 

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The Expat I Don't Want To Be

I happened to think about it yesterday. "How long have I been here now, exactly? I've been saying something around 2 1/2 years for a couple months now...when is that official? I landed in Sweden on August 12, 2010... and tomorrow is February 12, 2013. As in, my official 2 1/2 anniversary." Wow. 

 the Swedish flag my friends and I flew over our tent at a music festival in California

I have very few non-Swedish friends in Sweden. The ones I do have are ones I met in my masters program in Lund, that stayed in Sweden like I did and got jobs. Then I've met one or two through work. I have spent hardly any time in groups of expats, and haven't yet felt the inclination to join any organizations for Americans or anything like that. The biggest reason is simply that I'm very happy and satisfied with my social life. But there's more to it than that; it's that there is sometimes a vibe among expats that I want to avoid. 

Note: expats are not those who study abroad for a year or take a work assignment somewhere for 6 months. They've been in a place longer than that... long enough to know at least a moderate amount about the country, the culture, the people, the lifestyle, even sometimes the language. They lived in more than one apartment there. They've dated or married someone from there, perhaps. They've had to process visas and deal with the government's bureaucracy, usually. 

And often, after all of that, expats develop a streak of bitterness. It may be well-meaning and witty, but is occasionally demeaning and vicious. If you google "bitter [or] complaining expat" the results are endless, coming from around the globe. It's a common syndrome. There are theories that expats get more bitter and bored after three years. There are discussions about the rage that bubbles up within expats at little things, and how over time, their annoyance doesn't diminish... it only grows. "What particular thing gets you on the bitter expat crazy train? Everyone has it..." this writer says.  And I think it can be toxic. At the very least, it's contagious. 

It's not that I can't identify with being frustrated with the experience of living abroad, and more specifically, things about Sweden. Of course I can. I have never sworn as much as I did in the first three months of living in Sweden. Even knowing Swedes for two years before I moved here, having experienced the culture beforehand and read a ton about it, things of course surprised, confused, enraged and hurt me. Every once in awhile they still do. Also, please understand, I think expats are some of the most dynamic, resourceful, adventurous, sturdy and interesting people around. It's confirmed to me time and time again. But this all is on my mind as I recently heard more than a few negative comments about Sweden while sitting in a pub largely frequented by western expats that I went to on a couple occasions. I don't need to repeat them all here, but one hit me so deeply it was almost physical:

"Sweden would be quite alright, nearly perfect, if it weren't for the Swedes."

Rough. They really meant it too. I asked him more about it, but hid my deeper reaction to the statement..I felt sorry for this guy and how lonely he must be even though he likes "other things" about the country, I was angry at him for being so rude and essentially dismissing all the countless people here I love so dearly. But it's not something I haven't heard before, and to feel excluded or too different is a common feeling as a foreigner, not particular to Sweden, even considering the reserved culture. 

Living abroad, even if you adore the place, can make you fragile, that's the root of much of the complaining. There's a vulnerability ever present, just around the corner. This expat writer (living in Mexico) nails it:

"Who knows when that occasion will come, just when you feel that you’re in the intimate little cave of culture, huddled round the campfire with everybody else, when suddenly BOOM a wall goes up and you realize that nope, you’re actually outside looking in.

[There's] a sense of vulnerability inherent to the experience of living in another country, in another culture. For as much as you may dress in huipiles and explain the subtle differences between mezcales, you’re still an outsider. Even the huarache-wearing down-with-the-people revolutionary living in the barrios outside of town is, at the end of the day, foreign."

Sweden feels like home. Swedes often feel like kindred spirits. But I know that proverbial "campfire" feeling, when suddenly the wall pops up, so well. And maybe because I just love this country so much, and maybe because it's how I think I can flourish here, but I won't cope with that wall by being the expat that many around the globe know to always have a hint of bitterness. 

A college friend used this quote the other day from the writer Pat Conroy:

"I would like to have seen the world with eyes incapable of anything but wonder, and with a tongue fluent only in praise." 

I love that. It's clearly impossible and also not practical to always live that way, but every expat should reflect on what they might be missing out on if they see things too often through the lens of what's missing, what should be, what hurts, and what's annoying. 

That same night in the pub with the expats, I commented about some Swedish thing that I like, and one of them called out, "the next thing you know, you're going to be eating sliced cucumbers with your breakfast!"

I smiled and responded, "Oh I totally already do that. Been doing that for a long time now." 

He laughed, saying how weird that was. Yeah, I thought to myself. I used to think so too. 

But now... I actually find it really delicious.  

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Tell me what you wished for...

Sometimes the way that seasons go by here, so distinctly, makes it feel as if more time has passed than really has.

A long time ago… back in July… I wandered around a tiny French village for an evening. After a glass or two of cool rosé wine, freshly bottled from the vineyard next to us, we found ourselves crossing through fields, between trees and across another vineyard to follow the sounds of a live band. A little later, we meandered down slim cobblestone streets, underneath stone archways, and up narrow winding stairways. Women in nightgowns called out “bonne soirée!” from their doorstep. Old men sat tucked into tiny tables outside a humble little neighborhood restaurant, laughing loudly and slowly emptying wineglasses. Some broken French got us access to a bakery just as they were closing, and as we sat on a bench under the stars, eating our tarts, a woman passed by and offered up a cheery “bon appétit!” We again followed the sound of music, this time just a guitar and a couple voices, creeping around crumbling apartment walls and through an ivy-covered garden. There we spotted them… some jovial French locals, sitting on a patio overlooking the humble lights of the village and the silhouette of the mountain plateau guarding the valley. Singing and laughing, easily and happily, as if they just happened to do this every day, and not simply to charm us foreign eavesdroppers into thinking we’d stumbled across the most authentic and charming scene we’d ever seen.

We came to a fountain on the corner of one of those cobblestone roads. Small and quietly bubbling it sat, with clear and clean water.  We stood there for a moment, in awe of the setting and the evening. This was the kind of night that inspires a novel, a song, or at least decades of retelling. That you could write about and to others, it would maybe seem made up. I dug in my purse, fishing for the thing that would make the moment complete. A coin. I wanted to make a wish, because when you’re in southern Europe and come across a fountain, that’s what you do, and it had been 9 years since I last had the chance.  

It actually felt a bit odd to make a wish in that moment. What more could one ask for? But I pressed the coin tightly in my fist, then tossed it into the water. “We’re not supposed to say what we wished for, right?” I shook my head no to answer, with a wide smile.

But I want to say it now. I wished for love. Just like that…”I wish for love.” I think I actually played it safe, I didn’t want to define what kind or name a name, because that felt too daring. I threw it in and hoped that the wish would know what to make of itself. And I’m telling you now because in the last few weeks, I've realized that the wish came true.

When I look back at this autumn at what I’ve experienced and felt, it is very real to me that I have never in my entire life had more love.  I didn’t realize this fact before this autumn, as the way the season has unfolded has made it evident that various fears of mine are unfounded… those about friends in Sweden seeing me as only a second tier friend because I am foreign or came around after other friends, about friends from California forgetting about me, about what I have left even when it seems like nothing is going right. There is so much love in my life, and it is strong and overwhelming, and not reliant on one primary source. Who knows what the coin imagined as it hit the water that evening in France, but as that Swedish krona lay there, and I flew away back to the north, the wish took the right shape for this season of my life. 

Love, in the autumn that I turned 30, looks like friends and family who are generous to me beyond their means, who give me more than I can give, and know me well enough to know how to both care for and delight me. It looks like the expressions on my friends’ faces, expectantly awaiting my delight, when they took off my blindfold after kidnapping me and ferrying me off to a birthday trip, all of them knowing that this costume party on an island in the archipelago was my ideal type of party. It looks like lengthy emails from friends in Brooklyn, San Francisco and Santa Barbara, telling me that they love and miss and support me, and understand the ups and downs. It looks like being the first one a friend here calls when they have amazing life news, or frustrating romance news. It looks like the dozens of mail pieces from my mom, sending me concrete evidence of caring across the world. It looks like when these “new” friends here, many of whom I’ve known for two years now, say, accurately, “that’s so you, Corinne”… like when I wondered aloud at how strange I was for carrying a broken paper crayfish party hat in my hand for hours, throughout a dinner, danceparty and clubbing the night before, and L said, “But of course you did, that’s so you… sentimental no matter what.” 

Here, I am known. Here, I am loved. Here in the geographic sense and in the season of life sense. Standing in a totally different place than I thought I would be when I tossed that coin, but surely happier than ever. 

Bonne année. 

P.S. I had a friend look into the language above the fountain, as you can see in the photo. I guessed that it was Provençal, and it is, and it translates to: "Without the sun, one is nothing." I used to agree... but Sweden has taught me otherwise. 

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things that swedes have said, part 2

It's been a wild ride the last few months here in Sweden.
Here is another post on things that Swedes have said. Some heart, mind and soul of these Scandinavians all around me... and like last time, these are things that were said in English, either to me or to someone else in front of me or to someone else and retold to me.


On life:

"I wasn't happy about turning 30 because it's sad that those years are gone and never coming back. They were such great times, so many great memories. And we can't relive them. They slip through our hands like sand."

"Thanks for the birthday wishes. I watched the sunrise just now, it was beautiful. I believe it promised us that our 30s are going to be just as good as our 20s."

"Acceptance is what I appreciate most in people. If you care about people and accept them as they are. I have this great job in Stockholm and wear a suit and make great money, and my old friends from my hometown, who normally wouldn't hang out with those types of "suit people", accept me when I go back anyway, because they know and love me."

"Oh... last night... I gave 'shitfaced' a new face."

"You know sometimes there's just a moment you have with people, where you go from 'that person's cool' to 'WE ARE SO GONNA BE FRIENDS'. I remember that moment with you."

"Don't ever think that people can't surprise you. You may think that about him now. You may think your intuition is always accurate. But things aren't always constant, or as they seem. Leave yourself open to being surprised."


Guys:

"Why commit to someone? Because it can heighten life, it can lift you up. Look, as an individual, I can accomplish a lot. I can be at this high level. But with the right person, it can go up to here... they can add so much to me, and me to them, and we can both be at a higher level. To commit is not submitting to some sort of lockdown... it can be an amazing thing."

"You are an illusion. You look Swedish and you understand Swedish and you speak some. And then you speak English and all of the sudden you are an American girl."

"I don't know if I would say he's a feeling type of guy. He explains things about himself and how he feels as if he's giving a distant observation. It's not from the heart, it's just removed. Sort of how people would say I do, I guess."

"I'm thankful for my girlfriend. Best girl I've ever met."

"People can't really promise anything. How can you make a real commitment when you don't know what will happen in a week, in a month, in ten years? I am not capable of promising. I don't believe that I can guarantee that I can keep my promises, so I can't really make them. I don't really think that most people can make them."

"I can't believe I kissed a California girl. I'm gonna put this in my blog. I'm kidding, I don't have one."
    (Me: "Haha. I do have one. And this is totally going in mine.")

"I need to keep my expectations lower. With relationships it's better to have low expectations and be happily surprised than to have high expectations and be disappointed. It's safer."

"I don't know, maybe. Maybe I would have wanted us to be more than we were. But she never wanted to talk about it. She didn't seem to want it to be brought up. So I never did, and I didn't let myself think about it too much. So I don't really know."

"You've never cheated on anyone, have you? I never have. I can't understand cheating. It's the worst thing ever."

"But I don't want you to be just like me. I want you to be you. I like you because you are you. I want to learn about all the things that you are, not because I expect them to be the same as me or perfect. But because they are you."


Girls:

"Ehm, he and I are not serious. Not at all. Well I mean I don't know. I'm not really in the right place. Not now. We'll see. Yeah."

"WHAT? Why haven't you told me? You don't cry alone. That's when you call me and we can sit and cry together."

"And then I was just left there, confused, like, where did your feelings go? Why are you so distant? You were full force before, I've never felt so pursued. And then... completely pushed away. I know...it is like knives stabbing you."

"It wasn't exactly what I had in the front of my mind for qualities that I look for in a man before. I don't know why. But I didn't know what I was missing. And this relationship is so incredible because of it, and I am so happy. Kindness. A man who is kind. It's invaluable."

"Sometimes, as much love as there is, it really isn't enough. Sometimes people get in their own way. I wonder if that will happen in my relationship someday... we can try hard, and love each other so so hard, but sometimes the insecurities, the past, jealousy, stress...our own selves... get in the way. It's too bad really... it can be tragic."

"If I said to him that it was too bad that we couldn't see each other, that he moved on, that I can't be around him if he's with someone else... it would be true. Would be hard for me to say, would make me vulnerable... but it would be the truth. And I guess it's time to start being more honest."

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In praise of Swedish women

Have your eye on a guy? Does a Swedish girl have her eye on the same one? You better act fast. The Swedish girl, when it comes to a guy she's interested in, will likely be more assertive, forward and determined than you are... and chances are, she's totally gorgeous.

Like any cultural observation, you can't apply them to a whole group. I believe it's only fair to say, "This is what I've noticed sometimes/often here...maybe a pattern. Exceptions could be numerous, but it happens more often here than in other places. What I describe certainly could apply to others, not just the group I'm addressing." So. And also, this post is primarily on often noticed things about Swedish girls in how they interact with guys. Other things are harder for me to pick up on, I think because with girls here I've always thought more about how I am similar to them, rather than how they are different from past (American or otherwise) girls I've met.

What I want to say early on is that I'm impressed. Swedish girls are often quite okay with pursuing a guy and saying very directly what they want or are interested in. The vibe I get sometimes as I watch some of them in action with guys is, "Hey you! Yeah, you guy! You look good. Come here. Let's talk. Dance. No, that other girl is not interesting, pay her no attention. My hands look really good around your shoulders, and they're going to stay that way."

It's a fantastic thing to watch Swedish girls when they are abroad, for example, in California. I've never seen a Swedish girl be forward with a guy in that context. They walk down the street, sit down at a cafe, enter a club, and never do any sort of signal sending in order to get approached. I've seen this flattered, startled look of surprise several times when men have come up to them and straight away, asked them out or told them they look like their dream girl. I can see it in their faces (and later they tell me), "This has never, would never, happen in Sweden." Coming back to Sweden can be some reverse culture shock that way... then more effort is required again.


Of course many women here are more timid and shy, perplexed when trying to figure out how to get a guy or deal with guys that want to get them. That's something I can relate to more than the assertiveness...Starting with when I was in fourth grade, and the boy that I actually liked held up a notebook to me from across our desks with a simple line of rhyming text he'd just written that said, "It is true. I like you." I jerked my head away from him in sheer embarrassment and didn't speak to him for days. The nerve.

I've come a long way since then. But still, it's tricky living in a country where the men seem to be looking for more signals that women from other countries are used to giving. These guys will rarely approach with zero input. They look, watch, wait, perhaps even hover. But to initiate contact, if the girl isn't doing it first, they usually need more confirmation. As far as first signals go, responses, etc. between guys and girls, it's not a 80/20 type of thing... really, it perhaps averages out in Sweden at like 55/45, perhaps (not that 80/20 is precise about what it's like in the States, I don't know really, but anyway). I once was talking to a guy for a couple hours last year in a bar, and a pretty girl that sort of knew him and clearly liked him waited around for about half of that time, trying to get his attention back, waiting for an in, asking his friends, until finally he turned to her and kindly gave her a hug, a compliment, and sent her home in a cab. And not before her last ditch effort in telling him that I was probably not really interested in him because I was giving my number to his friend (I was giving my number but thought the friend had asked as a friendly thing). I actually admire the persistence, I am probably (okay, certainly) too bound by pride and reserve. But what is there really to lose in adopting some more assertive actions? Not much, and the girls here know it.


Here's some quotes from girls I've met here:

"I was talking to him and I just decided that he was going to have to make out with me."

"She realized that this guy was giving me more attention and she started elbowing me away. Literally she shoved me away from him with her elbows."

"Yeah he looks good. [tap on guy's shoulder] Hey! Come dance with us. You look fun."

"What I used to say was just, 'Hi I think you're cute. Would it be a waste of my time to stand here and talk to you?'"



And then from a full handful of guys I've met, from different western countries, that all said the same things in varying ways about their different experiences with girls in Sweden:

"I've never seen a girl be that determined. It was kinda scary/cool/hot."

"They are more straightforward. Less BS and mind games. Not that flaky."

"They respect your privacy and don't make a fuss. They don't need to know everything about you just because you are dating."

"If they want you they tell you. Pretty direct in communication."

"They don't expect drinks and dinner or whatever. That's awesome."



I've said before that Swedish guys are pretty crazy about Swedish girls. It's for good reason. And guys from other countries? Well most of them that I know personally who have lived here, even if some Swedish girls have frustrated them or mysteriously eluded their fancies...as girls do from time to time... these boys still remain hooked.

*One of my favorite photos from a costume party I went to in Sweden (we went out to the park for a scavenger hunt). I have a million photos of adorable and stylish Swedish girls I could put up... but those aren't my favorite things about them. It's their creativity and playfulness... and how willing they are to cover up those pretty faces and hair for a fun costume.

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Laundry, Lagom, Pippi Longstocking and Parental Leave...

I came across the video below the other day; it reviews in brief 10 things to know about Swedish culture for those planning to live here. It's not my favorite thing to write about cliche cultural customs, and many of these (some quite overly generalized) topics have been addressed and readdressed in other expatriate blogs, so I tire quite quickly of them. But I found myself wanting to say a little something on some of the 10 points and they way they were presented.

So here we go... after over two years of living here and four years of knowing Swedes:


1. Fika
"It means having a coffee break together with family, friends or at work."

I don't really understand why fika is considered a concept in Sweden. It's used almost exactly the same way that we would say in American English to "meet for coffee" with someone, and likely the same way in other countries.  When we say "let's meet for coffee" it usually includes the sweet or savory treat at the same time as well as a nice chat, and it's what I and my American friends do as our main casual way of spending time together. What I'm not sure about is if this is as common across the States. But everywhere I've been suggests that it is. And it doesn't feel any different when people "fika" here, from what I see and experience, from "having coffee" in the States.
Perhaps it's the connection to the workplace that is a bit different, as for some people in Sweden the word can symbolize some governmental bureaucratic organizational frustrations ("4 fikas a day and not getting enough done", some lament about these institutions with exaggeration).
I am fine with Swedes seeing it as their own concept... there are some things I could say that I miss about the States that seem culturally conceptual to me but to those from other countries it wouldn't seem like anything particular to American culture.


2. Lagom
"We get uncomfortable when people are too loud, too different, too colorful, too expressive, too rich or too poor."

Let's start by saying that I think lagom is much less prevalent in my generation of Swedes than the one before, and that in the next generation it will be exponentially less so. And would I live in Sweden if I didn't like how balanced and not extreme things feel much of the time? No. But I was born and raised in a place, the San Francisco area, where being loud is more natural and often rewarded, being different is expected and valued, being colorful and expressive is usually praised, and being rich is idealized and being poor is an expected fact of life for all too many. So it's natural that when lagom feels too strong in a given situation or what someone says, it can rub me the wrong way. It's one thing when lagom is just subconsciously adhered to, but I can feel uncomfortable when it's (even indirectly) addressed and encouraged out loud. I do think that Swedes are highly intrapersonally aware... they pay a lot of attention to what others are doing and how they are coming across. Therefore, they are hyperaware of whether or not they or a friend or someone else might be doing something that is too much, that is not fitting in, and can tend to be a bit more judgmental against that compared to what I grew up with. Which I don't like.
This is all reminding me of a Burger King commercial that aired in Sweden last year that described its massive new burger as "Inte Lagom" (not lagom). And I remember that I have much more to say on the topic and will need a whole post for it sometime soon.


3. Swedes are shy
..."so approach carefully."

When I mentioned this video to a Swedish friend tonight but didn't say much about what it contained, he guessed that there would be something in relation to Swedes being shy about meeting new people for dinner. He said it in sort of a gently teasing tone about the more reserved people/regions of Sweden, like the north..."don't ask people over for dinner, it would be too intimate, you can just ask them for a fika..." I laughed and had forgotten, til I watched it again to finish this post, that the video says just that! That's not the Sweden that I normally encounter in my circles, but I know it can be elsewhere.

I've written before to defend Swedes against the super strong conception that they are painfully shy. However, it's true that the sense of reserve here is quite strong. It makes me feel comfortable, to be honest. But sometimes it makes me feel like sometimes I'm not quite picking up on things, that I can't read people as well.


4. Queue
"Disorganization makes us nervous so we love to stand in line, everywhere..."

Yeah, queueing is certainly prevalent here, I took more number slips in one year in Sweden than perhaps in most of my years in the States, but it's not like in comparison other western countries have mobs instead of lines. People (for example in the States) just stand and wait their turn, in most similar cases, often in a queue, without taking a number.  They remember who was next or have their name in a list or something.
More culturally idiosyncratic is this: as this point in the video starts out, yes, disorganization can make Swedes veryyyy nervous. So speaking of that...


5. Follow the rules
"Don't put your milk cartons in the newspaper bin!"

Are Swedes an uptight and rule-obsessed culture? I don't really think so. There's a lot here, including the behavior of and approach to authority figures that is quite laidback. And the country scores quite low in Uncertainty Avoidance in Hofstede's well-known cultural dimensions, which states that in societies with low scores in this, "people believe there should be no more rules than are necessary, and if they are ambiguous or do not work they should be abandoned or changed." This would be in contrast to some countries that score highly on Uncertainty Avoidance, like Italy, Germany or Russia, where rules and details and bureaucracy are sought after and appreciated for providing guidance and avoiding ambiguity (but not often followed, as in Italy's case and other similar countries).

However I digress, because when this point came up in the video, I immediately thought of what Swedes are infamous for being uptight about when it comes to their stated and unspoken rules: laundry. They are infamous for this among expats and among each other. It is brought up on many a blog, this one nails it, with humor ("FOR FUCKS SAKE, CLEAN THE LINT OUT OF THE DRYER!").
Many Swedes and foreigners I know have some sort of story of the wrath of another Swede when made a mistake (or were perceived to, or just acted slightly carelessly) in their apartment building's laundry room. Including me. I'd rather not tell the whole story because it was quite unpleasant but it happened last spring when I had to leave my laundry room in a hurry and forgot to wipe up a tiny bit of spilled powder on top of the machine and remove my dryer lint. I don't remember the last time in my adult life that I'd ever seen someone both to my face and in a note be so extremely furious with me. I appreciate rule following, but the laundry anal retentiveness is a really ridiculous joke to me. The world needs that energy and anger directed elsewhere other than detergent powder.


6. Allemansrätten
"Some say that Swedes worship nature..."

The freedom to roam anywhere! For me and some of my expat friends, this law is one of our favorite to talk about and bring up randomly. No such thing as truly private property, we can pitch a tent and hike wherever we want? Any beach, field, forest, etc? Epic! California beachfront property owners would be up in arms!

7. Respect for children
lots of things mentioned here...

I love many things about what Sweden offers its children, and how the country encourages a lot of attention paid to families. Just read this article by a British/Irish expat about why he chose to live in Sweden with his Swedish wife to raise their child, and it nails everything that's good about Sweden in respect to this. I do find it interesting that the video ties the concept of respect for children in with how easily Sweden makes it for both parents to work. It's great that daycare is of low to no cost for families. But Swedish culture, especially my female peers, often seems to have disdain for the idea of a stay-at-home parent, while in my experience in the States, for some, it's a privilege to get to have one parent stay at home so that the kids receive more parental and individual nurturing, at least until they are school age. It's definitely really unfortunate that there are also families in the States and other countries that are forced to have one parent stay at home even if they'd rather work, since they can't afford daycare. But if one of my friends in the States who was/is a stay-at-home parent by choice was told that the government would respect their children more by offering their child daycare so that parent could work, they might take issue with that phrasing. But that's what constitutes a cultural perspective, and this video's phrasing and conceptualizing is not something I necessarily dispute, because it's particular to Sweden and I know Sweden.


8. Astrid Lingren  
"#1 National Hero"

Indeed, all things Astrid Lindgren are very beloved by Swedes, especially Pippi Longstocking (or Långstrump, in Swedish). Pippi is sacred, and she fondly reminds all Swedes of their childhood. Clearly the world loved her too, with how the stories have been translated into over 70 languages. But nowhere as much as Sweden. As I watch them now, the tv shows do have a Swedish feeling to them; they are humble and quirky and lovingly unpolished. And joyfully musical.

9. Weather
"The winters can be long and cold, and sometimes the summers aren't much better...We're crazy about the sun and we love talking about the weather."

All pretty true, although there is an exaggeration there about the summers. But this summer was pretty lame. And this fall is turning out to be quite exceptionally cold too.
Swedes did teach me, even back in California, how to appreciate the sun more. It does feel super Swedish to me to, when it's a sunny day but in the colder half of the year, sit and look towards the sun and just let the bit of warmth envelop your face. And I do the same now. All seasons of the year.

10. Who's the boss?
"It's usually hard to tell who's the boss in a Swedish workplace."

This is often true, in my experience. The USA doesn't have a big power imbalance between bosses and employees, to be sure. But there is noticeably less in Sweden (and all of Scandinavia). Offices more often have open seating here, and directors and CEOS don't often take a particularly special office or spot, especially in midsize or smaller companies. There isn't as much of an authoritative way of speaking coming from those in upper management, there's more of a softer approach and checking in with everyone. Not that much commanding, less direct critique, perhaps.

And I love the last thing said in this point, "Some foreigners say it's strange that we dress down for work and up for the bbq." I've never thought about it that way... but I can see how some would! Especially in countries where work dress is more formal than in the US... but yes, dress code in Sweden, in many industries and offices, can be relatively casual. And Swedes do dress pretty well, relatively, for casual get-togethers and leisure time. And I like this combination.

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"Love with reckless abandon" and other advice for a 29 year old...

A few days ago I asked members of my family how they would spend the last day of their twenties... or what they would do if they were me. I have an amazing family, they are full of love and support. Sometimes people ask me in Sweden, "What does your family think about you being here? Don't they ever try to convince you to move back to California? Aren't they sad that you're here?"

My stepdad Brad, my brother, my sister and me in Nantucket

The answer is that I have it as good as it could be... my family does not ever try to convince me to do anything. They cheer me on with most every decision I make. They celebrate with me when I'm going on new adventures, and encourage me when things are hard. They make it clear that they love and miss me very much. And while it surely does not make them happy that they don't get to see me that much, in some ways I think I grow closer with some of them through how open I've been about my life since I moved abroad. Thank you family. You are my life's biggest blessing. 

                                                          My mom and me by the San Francisco Bay


So here are some answers that I got from them. Within these lies more significance than just for how to spend the last day of your twenties... there are words to re-read into age 30 and well beyond. Italics are my own. 

• Corinne... I'm thinking back to 1966 when I turned 30. Turning 30 wasn't a big deal for me, but turning 40 was. If it is a beautiful autumn day, crisp but not too cold, I think you should get out your bike, go on a long bike ride, stopping at a small cafe for a large cup of hot chocolate. In the afternoon, do something that you haven't done yet in Sweden, maybe something crazy, something enlightening, or something just fun, you might even have done it somewhere else, but the experience would be different since you are in Sweden. In the evening, grab a couple of friends and have a simple but very Swedish meal with lots of good conversation. Whatever you decide to do, be kind to yourself and enjoy the experience. LOVE YOU!

• People seem to take you more seriously in your 30s. For me it was like being freed. Since you and I both have birthdays in the Autumn I just might take a long walk, even if it's raining, and truly cherish all the wonders I see and the wonderful people I meet. I remember enjoying who I was at that time and looking forward to new adventures and experiences. I would spend the evening with friends with a wonderful meal and conversation. Be content with who you are and take joy in how many people care about you. 

• Talk a walk or bike ride. Pick up 30 leaves to take home. Each day for 30 days choose a leaf, give thanks for one blessing from your 20s that you are carrying into your 30s, and give thanks from your heart that you don't have to stop now, that you are blessed to go forward into the next decade. With that, let the leaf back out into the wide open world!

• The first thing that comes to my mind: SKY DIVE! Or do something that you consider equally as daring. Tell thirty people how important they have been to your life. Play soccer, dance barefoot in the rain. Bask in the knowledge that you have family that miss and love you. 

• I would go sightseeing - walk, bike, train, boat, or... Seeing beautiful nature is always soothing and inspiring. Several people have told me lately that someone who is in their 30s is more respected than someone who is in their 20s. I don't really relate to that because we are in a time of so many entrepreneurs in their 20s, but it is definitely a transition. Turning 30 was not any more special for me than any other birthday that I can recall: I had four children and was anticipating the fifth, so it would have been a busy day. But any birthday is a cause of rejoicing and thanking God for another day. Love you so much. 

• Well, you know I've always been one for taking risks (or what most people would think is a risk)...getting lost in other countries, riding motorcycles (fast- yes I like fast), flying an airplane, kayaking with whales, trying to jump on a horse I didn't know and ride it bareback. But I hadn't been much of a risk-taker, not where true risk is involved. You know, REALLY crazy stuff like getting close to people, bonding to others, and learning how to trust and be truly vulnerable. Yikes! Now THAT'S scary stuff! All that said, my risk-taking suggestion from my own life's experience that I would want to tell my 30 year old self (certainly not something I think you have an issue with) would be:
• Be your true self. One great thing about getting older is that the older you get the more you will be free to know who you really are
• Be vulnerable. Let others see your true self... the good, the bad and the ugly. This is still a work in progress for me, but I think it's where true freedom lies, more so than the freedom we feel when we do all those fun and crazy things we do (not to say that we should stop doing those fun and crazy things!)  

So here's to keepin' it real in your 30s (and for me in my 40s and upcoming 50s!), taking risks of the heart, and loving others with reckless abandon!

• I would go someplace I loved and take some good friends with me and simply enjoy it all. Place, people, time, and the gift of thirty wonderful years well-lived and the promise of many more to come. Laugh, dance, rejoice, be thankful!

• How about some good Swedish beer? And just hanging with friends! 30 is just beginning and you have a great head start. A happy year and more success to you, dear granddaughter!

My mom and me in Santa Barbara

My dad and me in Half Moon Bay

What great words. That I and so many I know need to hear. Be kind to ourselves, take joy in simple pleasures, take risks and love with reckless abandon. Let's do it.

How did I spend the last day of my twenties and first day being 30? Pretty much how I was advised... bike ride through gorgeous nature, a moment at a cozy cafe, meals with friends, Swedish beer and great conversation. It may get a little crazier tomorrow, when I'm supposed to be ready at 2:00 pm in costume and taken away to a surprise 24 hour adventure planned by my friends... and I'm thrilled about that. Because a little crazy (or a lot!) is just how I like my life, no matter what age. 

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